Crossroads
by Winter Sapphire
Summary: Sometimes he wonders if he could change it all. Other times he wonders if he even wants to. Topher/Claire, pre-season two.


Medium: Television  
Fandom: Dollhouse  
Title: Crossroads  
Subject: Topher and Dr. Claire Saunders/Whiskey  
Word Count: 2806 (including lyrics and song titles)  
Summary: Sometimes he wonders if he could change it all. Other times he wonders if he even wants to.  
Notes: This was written for the Heart Of Gold challenge at **whedonland** for **superkappa **back in August; I wanted to wait a while to share it with others rather than my f-list on LJ and the other general public. But man, oh MAN, was it both a pain and a lot of fun to write and create. XD Of course, it turned out differently (and longer) than I expected, but I think it's still decent enough.

* * *

**Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop -- Landon Pigg (pre-season one)**  
_I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you  
No one understands me quite like you do  
Through all of the shadowy corners of me_

She's pretty. Like, really, _really_ pretty. Like Active pretty, and he can feel his heart hammering its way into his throat every time he goes into the little coffee shop just around the corner from his apartment complex.

And it's a bad idea--a really, really, _really_ bad idea--but he wants to ask her out. Even though every other time he's tried he's only managed to stutter out his order. But Topher can feel it--forty-third time's the charm, after all. At least, that's what he tells himself. Tomorrow it will be forty-four.

Before he knows it he's next in line and she's smiling at him again, handing him his daily mocha cappuccino before he ever opens his mouth, and when he finally does the words come stumbling out without his consent: "Do you maybe sort of some day want to have a cup of coffee with me?"

And it's only after he asks it that he realizes how stupid that question was, because she's around coffee _all the time_ so why would she want to be around it more?

She's still smiling at him, though, so that should be a good sign, and when she throws her apron over her head he _knows_ it has to be a good sign.

"Jeanie, I'm going on my break!" she calls over her shoulder. She rounds the corner of the counter, grabs his elbow and drags him to his usual table. Topher's pretty sure his mouth is still hanging open when she says, "It's about time you asked me out."

Well, he hadn't seen _that_ one coming.

------

**You And I Both -- Jason Mraz (pre-season one)**  
_And it's okay if you have go away  
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways  
And if I never ever hear them ring  
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside  
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay_

"Roslyn, listen to me, please?" he begs, squeezing her hand in his with the saddest puppy dog face he can possibly muster. It seems to be working, because she's looking at him now, even though she doesn't look very happy. "Rosie, it's not what you think, okay? I promise. I'll answer any questions you have, just... let me explain myself, okay?" But can he?

She doesn't say anything, but he can see her nod stiffly as she reaches up to wipe at the tears in her eyes.

"Who was that girl?" she asks in a barely audible whisper. "The one in the chair...?"

"She was..." Topher trails off, biting his lip. What's he supposed to tell her? 'I don't know, she can be anybody in the world but we mostly call her Sierra'? Yeah, he saw that one going over _real_well.

"Are you a pimp?" she blurts out suddenly, and he finds himself blinking in shock.

"What--_no_!" He pauses. "Well, not exactly..." He frowns. "I never really thought of it like that before. It's... not exactly like that. It's complicated."

"Well, _un-complicate_ it, then," Roslyn tells him, but Topher swallows thickly.

"I really can't, Rosie. It's... I'm not supposed to talk about it. You probably already saw too much." He shoots her an apologetic look. "I'm sorr--" She stand to her feet faster than he can blink.

"No--no, you don't just get to apologize, Topher. I--" she breaks off, swiping at her eyes again. "When you want to actually answer the questions I have feel free to call me, but until then..." Her glance is pained, broken, but firm as she finishes, "goodbye."

------

**Broken -- Lifehouse (pre-season one)**  
_The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head  
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead  
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes  
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life_

He had thought he had broken completely when she left him three months ago, but it turns out that it was seeing her again, waiting with Adelle for him to wipe her, that caused him to crumble into the thin scraps of... whatever he was.

He didn't ask her what had happened to make her resort to the Dollhouse--didn't really _want_ to know, if he was being honest with himself. He types in the commands mechanically, tries to ignore the shaking in his hands as she settles into her chair and starts to lean backwards.

"I figured it out," she whispers. In the next instant she's gone, Whiskey in her place, and she's looking at him with eyes so rawly innocent and carefree and _trusting_...

"Did I fall asleep?" she asks, blinks once, twice. All he can manage is a garbled sound, and it's Adelle who finally says the key phrase and sends her on her way.

He sees her as the days roll by, watches her pass through the motions of life without actually_living_, and he wonders--wonders if it would all be different if he had just explained everything when he had the chance.

It hurts him more than anything to know that now he'll never have that chance.

------

**Behind Blue Eyes -- The Who (during season one)**  
_No one knows what it's like  
To be hated  
To be fated to telling only lies  
But my dreams  
They aren't as empty as my conscience seems to be _

It comes to his attention one day that his life is nothing like what he expected it to be. Sure, he has the good job, the high placing _in_ that job. It's what he had been working towards all his life.

But that's all he has, and now that he has the time to sit back and look at everything he's lost it doesn't seem like nearly enough to make up for it. His family refuses to speak to him, his friends consist to a group of blank slates who could consider even the most vile criminal their friends, and the only woman he ever let himself love doesn't even know that they knew each other before the Dollhouse.

It's all matters of fucked up is what it is. He's pretty sure he's the only person in the world who has the burden of whatever _this_ is on his shoulders.

All he knows that if he ever had the chance to take it all back, to start again, he would take it in a heartbeat. It's all he dreams of now. It's all he hopes for behind his façade of nothing.

------

**No Such Thing -- John Mayer (during season one)**  
_I wanna run through the halls of my high school  
I wanna scream at the top of my lungs  
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world  
Just a lie you got to rise above_

"Just look at them," she whispers, and Topher can feel himself jump what feels like a foot in the air before whirling around to face her. She has a bit of a smirk on her face, the expression pulling at the scars on her face.

"R--Dr. Saunders!" he breathes out, placing a hand on his heart. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you sneaking up on me like a crazy person." He gives her an accusing glance, but she just continues to stare down at the Actives going about their activities down below.

"I wonder if they know what they're experiencing isn't real," she whispers, shaking her head slightly. "It almost makes me pity them. They're changed so much, so often... and they never experience anything real."

Topher feels his palms sweating and he pries his gaze away from the doctor to the Actives below. "It's real for them, as far as they're concerned. And--and... what is Foxtrot doing?" His eyes widen. "No, no, no, bad, bad! He's putting that blue cleaner in his mouth!" He pulls at Claire's arm. "What are you doing? You're a doctor, go stop him! Pump his stomach!"

She glares at him, shaking her head. "Topher, that's _Gatorade_. Calm down."

Topher blinks owlishly at her, backing up slowly. "That's... it's... oh. Um, I'm just going to go run and--I don't know, catalogue things."

"You go do that," Claire responds dryly. He rushes out in a way that he hopes comes off as embarrassed.

Topher only lets himself breathe once he's in his lab. He knows better than most how tricky the folds of reality can be. He had just hoped she wouldn't notice.

------

**Never Will I Break -- 3 Doors Down (during season one)**  
_The road I walk is paved with the broken  
promises I made  
At least a million times I've fallen  
but never will I break_

"What are you staring at?" she asks him when she catches him watching her face again, and Topher breaks her gaze quickly, glancing back at the cameras and Victor.

"Um, nothing. Just looking for that man reaction, you know. That's all," he mumbles, waving a hand nonchalantly.

"And you're hoping to find that '_man reaction_' on my face, are you?" she quips dryly. "Really, Topher, do you think I'm such a girl that I can't stand to have someone look at my scars? It's not like everyone else hasn't already."

"I was really looking for a reaction!" Topher defends, crossing his arms defiantly in front of his chest. "I just glanced off to the side for a second, and--and... do they hurt?"

Claire frowns. "Erections? I couldn't tell you from personal experience, but I hear they can be painful if not... ah, treated. Are you telling me you've never had an erection?"

"_Man reaction_!" he vehemently corrects, before his face falls. "And I... meant your scars."

Her expression fades into one of shock for only a second before she regains her composure and glances back at the screen. Topher's sure she isn't even going to respond when he hears her whisper, "Every single day."

------

**Empty Space -- Lifehouse (post-season one)**  
_I've been down this road before  
All that I've found points me right back to you  
And I've watched you move from down below  
Where do I go from here?  
I guess I'll find out as I go _

She hates him--she knows she does. Claire can feel it in her bones whenever she looks at him that she hates Topher Brink with the passion of a thousand suns. What she doesn't understand is_why_.

Sure, he can be arrogant, and rude, and he has the superiority complex of the century, but none of that gives her enough reason to hate him. And that's the only thing that makes her think that her unexplainable dislike of him isn't because of whatever personality she has but because he made her that way.

Everything points to him. There has to be a reason he made her hate him and the fact that he issn't telling her what it is just _pisses_ her off. Or pisses off whoever she was, anyway. If there is anything she was certain of it was that whoever she had been--whoever she is--doesn't hate him in the slightest. She can feel that in her bones, too.

It's an odd mix, the feeling of mutual hate and non-hate, and no matter what she had said to him earlier Claire knows she's going to find the answer to that.

------

**More Time -- Needtobreathe (post-season one)**  
_I hoped that you could understand  
That this is not what I had planned  
Please don't worry now  
It will turn around_

"Why can't you tell me why I hate you?" Claire asks him, following him persistently as he dodges her around the lab. "There has to be a reason, Topher, and I want to know what it is."

"I'm not telling you anything," Topher brushes her off, and Claire can feel her temper--or maybe her _other_ self's temper--flaring up. "Besides, if you want to learn about yourself you could always just look yourself up on the computer."

"I don't want a computer to tell me, I want you to!" she hisses at him. "It's you who did this to me, so you should at least give me a reason for an emotion that seems so out of place!"

Topher barks out a laugh, turning around to face her with wild blue eyes. For a second she's almost scared, but it passes just as quickly as his crazed looks fades into one of sadness. "You think--you think I _did_ this to you? You think I wanted you to be an Active? I know the technology, I can use it and work it, but I would never wish this on myself, and especially not _you_." He breaks off her gaze, glances down at his papers and whispers under his breath, "Jesus Christ, Rosie, don't you know me at all?"

"Rosie?" she repeats blankly, and she can see Topher's hand freeze as he starts to turn a page.

"I said Claire," he says in a shaky voice

"No you didn't." Claire glares at him, shaking her head. "When you want to actually answer the questions I have feel free to come find me, but until then..." she trails off as Topher glances up at her in shock. "...what?"

"You just..." He gapes at her. "What did you just say?"

------

**Chills -- My Morning Jacket (post-season one)**  
_Still. No one else lives your life Except yourself. No one else lives your life Except yourself. No one else lives your life Still._

His voice pounds in her ears even though he's speaking in a voice that can barely be considered a whisper.

"So you're saying we were..." She leaves the question unfinished, but her meaning is clear and he nods in response, burying his face in his hands. "For how long?"

"Two years," he mumbles in to his hands, and Claire slumps into her chair. Two years. Two years of Topher memories she doesn't have. She isn't sure if she's grateful for that or resentful. But she gave them all up willingly, hadn't she?

"Did we ever..." she trails off again, but he nods anyway. She can feel the smirk growing on her face before she can think to stop it. "So you _have_ had an erection!"

"Claire!" he blurts, eyes widening as he looks at her. "_So_ not what we're talking about right now!"

The smirk fades from Claire's lips, and she sighs. "I know. Sorry. What's... what's going to happen now?"

Topher shrugs a shoulder. "I guess it's up to you. Either talk to Adelle about getting yourself back, or... continue being Dr. Claire Saunders, It's your life, Claire. Nobody else's." He lifts himself to his feet, runs a hand through his hair. "Come find me when you... when you make up your mind."

"I've already made it up," Claire tells him, and Topher pauses in mid-stride as he sends her a curious look. "Just one question." She takes a deep breath, looks him in the eye. "Can you make me... not hate you anymore? I'm feeling very convoluted right now."

The smile spreads slowly over his face, and Topher nods. "I'll see what I can do."


End file.
